I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
