it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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