If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
