I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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