I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
