Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
this just has baby written all over it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
