I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My bed smells like the plague
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
try to milk me bitch
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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