thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
