dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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