i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
