Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
