if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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