i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
