My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
