We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
