I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
