need another drink. this is the easiest way
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
