So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
