i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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