Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
