i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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