i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
