My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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