you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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