come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
