i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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