New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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