In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
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At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
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The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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