Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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