I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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