I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wish you could order shots online.
two words: eviction party
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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