I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
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i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
did i walk over a car last night?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
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Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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