Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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