im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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