Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
