I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
