Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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