Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
