this boner is exhausting
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
