I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
