just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
