ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
