I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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