just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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