Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
