Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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