I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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