so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
