I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
