I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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