Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
