I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
