sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
