college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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