i was born a porn star she said
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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